Maureen's Blog

While Visions of Sugar Plums Dance on My Head

December 18, 2009

A wise woman once said that Christmas is for children and men. It's a tinge both cynical and true since most of the shopping, cooking and planning falls squarely on the family matriarch's shoulders.

With Christmas just 7 days away, I find myself in the same predicament as always. So much to do with so little time! Thankfully I have learnt to make lists which help me to prioritize. Somewhat. But still, every year is the same: the lists are never fully completed and Christmas comes and I just have to stop.

Nicole is still in the "don't ask me to do anything I have to study" mode...which is perfectly fine. (Except for the fact that apparently that also includes picking up after herself.) But if it minimizes the stress for her, I can put up with it until the last exam is done. Then I will expect a little help with the cleaning and the preparations.

I look forward to having the entire family home including my 3rd born and her 2 little ones arriving December 23 from Baltimore. It's so much fun to do the cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve and to be part of the magic with the children in the morning once again!

After we check out what Santa left at my house, all 16 of us will meet at my oldest daughter's house for Christmas brunch where inevitably we all eat so much that no one is hungry for the rest of the day. That's perfectly fine with me since I never have to do the traditional turkey dinner on Christmas Day.

Boxing Day is when my entire side of the family meet at a hall. My parents, my 5 siblings and spouses (14), their children and their significant others (44) and the great grandchildren (20) total about 78 people. You can see why we only do this once a year.

All in all, Christmas is still (no matter how much work it takes to pull it off)
"The Most Wonderful Time of the Year!".

Maureen

November 19, 2009

Is there anything we won't do for them?

As the big Halloween bash approaches I am asked to make a costume. No - actually two costumes. And not from a traditional pattern but from a site on the internet. The designer, God bless her, had a great idea for a cute little burlesque bustle skirt a la Moulin Rouge (YIKES!) and the girls just had to have them. And of course, there was the bustiers and the heels. I was repeatedly assured that this was tame compared to what some of the "other girls" would be wearing. Hmmm.

So 18 hours later, 2 very short very ruffly shirts were produced and off went Nicole Kidman and Kiley Minogue to the big bash. As it turned out the line was "too long" and so they ended up at a very small house party. All that work and so little exposure. Perhaps that was a blessing in disguise?

My back aches but they are happy.

Maureen

bloggingmom1@yahoo.com
 

October 23, 2009 That Nasty Learning Curve
 
 
Well Nicole has her last mid-term today and she is well aware that it is a difficult one. Last year students have disclosed that very few people get good marks because the exam in this particular course is incredibly hard.
 
She did pretty well in three of her courses.
 
But yesterday she got results from another mid-term and she failed it! Shocking more to me than her, I think. Attempting to console myself, I tell her that the first term of university is a learning curve. I reassure myself that she will "find her groove". The trick, I point out, is to get through the reams of information and discern the core material - trying not to get hung up in memorizing the less significant details. I don't know if this is the best advice but is seems right to me at the time.
 
She admits that in high school she rarely had to study and still she got outstanding marks. She concedes that she will have to:
 
a) get help
b) learn how to study more effectively
 
It's no surprise to me that 1 in 6 Canadian university students drop out in their first year (Statistics Canada, Youth in Transition Survey). Is the problem with the simplicity of high school curriculum or the arduousness of post-secondary studies? Nicole graduated from a prep school located on the campus of a top Canadian university. If that didn't prepare her, what would have?
 
I still have every confidence that Nicole will renew her efforts and try to bring her marks up by the end of the term. She knows how to work but I guess she just has to figure out what it is that she needs to work on.
 
She is curiously untroubled by her failure. No doubt last year she would have been devastated. Is this good or is it bad?
 
 I'm still trying to figure that out.
 
bloggingmom1@yahoo.com

October 13, 2009
Trials and Tribulations
 
So my car is consuming 4 times the gas it formerly swallowed to chauffeur Nicole to work and to school. Even though the weather has been outstanding and the bus stop is merely one block away, she doesn't like to take the bus. So I guess it's now my problem to get her to her classes on time. But I figure how can I not help her out when she's hit the ground running?
 
She gets home, eats something and works at her desk till bedtime. (Or so it appears.) I tell her all she is required to do is her "best". I assure her that if she doesn't achieve the 90% average to maintain her scholarship for next term, that is perfectly fine with me. She says that the pressure is not coming from her mother. It's entirely self-inflicted. I think to myself, "How perfect is that?" No babysitting required. But I know from experience that she once was a tad neurotic when it came to achievement. This of course comes with its own set of blessings and curses. I make a mental note to try and monitor her stress levels.
 
I gingerly ask her how she is managing. She says "fine". As usual.
  
It's really hard to know how far to go with parenting a young adult. You don't want to be intrusive but you can't bury your head in the sand either. With my personal "live and let live" philosophy I have a tendency to give my kids too much space. Have I mellowed with age? I certainly wasn't like that with my older children!
 
Over all she seems to have established the right mix of school, work and friends. She appears to be happy. That makes me want to relax. A bit.Why oh why is youth wasted on the young?

Date: September 14, 2009

Why did God work it out so that the biggest decisions in life have to be made when you're least equipped, ready or able to make them? My life would have been soooo different had I been smart enough to make better choices. Especially career-wise. I manage a mid-sized company right now. It's a good job. But if I would have been smarter and gotten a proper education, I would be doing something I REALLY love right now. I missed my calling and I blame no one but myself and my youthful head full of mush. (By the way, I've managed to drain most of the mush out by now, thankfully).

If I have learned one thing (apologies to my first 4 offspring) it's that if parents do nothing else: keep those communication lines open. Barter, form a contract, do whatever it takes to cajole your child into keeping you informed about their progress. Because as we all know they don't have to tell us! While Nicole has always made a copy of her report cards available to me, I have a son who kept them hidden. It took me 6 months to discover that he had flunked out of college. And believe it or not he was living at home at the time! Too bad he couldn't get a job as an illusionist -- he was really good at it. Worrying about him still disrupts my sleep but there comes a time when all the advice and help in the world is to no avail. All I can do now is pray he comes to his senses before he completely destroys his life. There is only so much a parent can do an the rest is, you know, up to the child.

School has begun and Nicole has taken the lead from her sister at John's Hopkins School of Nursing in Baltimore: study/review what you learned each day and prepare yourself every night for the next day's classes. Nicole's sister is in her final year and she has maintained a 4.0 in a really tough program. So I guess she knows what she's talking about. She also highly recommends starting or joining a study group that meets regularly (And don't wait till the night before mid-terms to do it!).

Well it's been less than a week and the complaining has already started: "The professors are going too fast!" and "I studied all weekend and I haven't even covered all of the material."

I mentioned the study group idea again. But the best laid plans of mice and daughters often go awry...

I suppose It's no body's fault and everyone's fault- Control and the Lack of It
September 2, 2009

Nicole, the introvert that she was, suffered through the first 2 years of high school with no real friends. Home every weekend curled up watching TV with her mother, I can only guess that she was labelled a snob at school since she didn't speak unless spoken to. But that, coupled with the dissolution of her parents 32 year marriage, surely made her feel powerless and tortured. Controlling her food intake (before or after eating it) gave her the powerful illusion that she was the master of at least one aspect of her life.

So, unbeknownst to me at the time, I cheerfully sent off my daughter into the worst atmosphere possible. Rooms lined with full length mirrors. Thin, willowy bodies everywhere. Family a thousand miles away. Although one of Canada's best dance schools, this was by it's very nature the petri dish of eating disorders.

During her stay there, two girls were sent home for gaining weight. Although the school denies this, the students believed it to be true.

Don't get me wrong - despite everything this was a tremendous experience for Nicole. She gradually emerged from her shell. She started to develop self worth. She began to see the fallacy of trying to please everyone everywhere every time. The boot camp of her 12 hour a day schedule trained her for life's challenges. She was becoming a master of her art. Although the school continued to express concern about her lack of performance confidence, she was a very good dancer blessed with the classic dancer's body and subsequently they asked her back for her third year.

Working with the professionals gave her a view of a dancer's life beyond school. She realized she had the "will" to do it but not the "heart". In other words, she could make herself do it. But it wasn't the life she wanted.
Much to her credit, she declined the offer and came home.

Once again we trod the familiar road that began in her childhood.

Nicole had an interest in things medical at an early age. She tells me now that she used to talk her friends into helping her dissect dead animals on the median in front of our house. (Thank God she didn't tell me at the time because didn't Jeffrey Dahmer do that?) Later she developed a curious interest in watching televised surgeries. I got her the Discovery Health Channel. She loved anatomy books. Got her some. It was so clear to me she was destined for the medical field. I can't tell you how thrilled I was when she got that acceptance letter for Nursing at the University of Windsor!

Since she is home now, I get the added delight of quietly living my life vicariously through her accomplishments. Course by course. Experience by experience. Moment by moment.

But I would never tell her that. She would say, "Mom, that's pathetic."

It's my secret pleasure.
If the spirit moves you email me at bloggingmom1@yahoo.com

Backward, Forward and Back Again 
August 28, 2009 

I've been a mother for 38 years now. That both amazes and horrifies me.

Nicole was born in my 40th year - the youngest of 5. I knew from the start that she was different: very intense, having an extraordinary ability to concentrate, somewhat negative and excessively introverted. After bearing four normal children, I joke that if Nicole would have come first she would likely have been an only child!

An average student in elementary school, it is still unclear to me how or why she suddenly became an honour roll student in grade nine. The school was actually forced to re-vamp their software in order to accept the first 100% final mark in one of her courses. (Previously the system only allowed 2-digit numerals for grades). No one was more suprised than me.

Had I, by some wonderful force in the universe, brought forth a brain surgeon?

Anyway, all hopes of Nicole scaling the pinnacles of academia were dashed on the day she announced that she was "born to dance." Poof. Just like that my aspirations of being related to a Nobel Prize winning astro-physicist evaporated.

So. We spent the last 2 years of high school pursuing her dream. Nicole then moved 1,300 km away from home. $40,000 later, the odyssey ended with the realization that she was, after all, not actually born to dance. She was, as it turns out, meant to be a nurse. Or who knows? Perhaps a brain surgeon.

My darling daughter returned home to me in May: sophisticated, independent, toned, well-educated and battling an eating disorder.

To be continued...

If the spirit moves you email me at bloggingmom1@yahoo.com