Effective communication skills are critical when trying to address interpersonal issues with colleagues. Active listening is critical to be able to understand your colleague’s perspective and assertive and non-blaming communication to help them understand your perspective.
Active listening involves a set of interrelated skills, including asking open-ended questions, paraphrasing, acknowledging feelings, using non-verbal encouragers, and summarizing.
- Ask open-ended questions to encourage further discussion and explanation.
Open-ended questions invite people into the discussion. They often begin with “What” or “How.”For example: What are your thoughts about….?
- Paraphrase to ensure the accuracy of message heard.
Miscommunication happens when we assume we understand but have not confirmed that assumption. Paraphrasing not only checks for clarity and accuracy of understanding but also lets the other person know they have been heard and understood. For example: “What I hear you saying is….”
- Acknowledge feelings.
Active listening requires that you not only hear the content or the “spoken word” but also acknowledge the other person’s emotional response. For example: “I can see that you are surprised about….”
Acknowledging emotions deepens our understanding of the issue and the meaning it has for the other person. It sends a message to the other person that you understand their words and their feelings.
- Use non-verbal encouragers.
The gestures we make, the way we sit, how fast or how loud we talk, how close we stand, and how much eye contact we make send strong messages. They demonstrate to the other person that we are listening and that we care about what is being said. Examples include facing the person, making culturally appropriate eye contact, nodding your head as the person is talking, and leaning towards the person slightly to show interest.
- Summarize the conversation.
Summarizing includes pulling together what has been said over a period of time in a concise manner. It provides an opportunity, like with paraphrasing, for the other person to correct understanding. It is also an opportunity to demonstrate that progress has been made. For example: “What we have agreed so far is….”
- Use “I” statements.
Statements that focus on your perceptions, such as “from my perspective,” “the way I see it…” make it clear to the other person that you are speaking for yourself. These statements help position the conversation as “non-blaming.”
Sentences that begin with “you” often make the other person feel blamed and judged and may escalate the situation.
- Use tentative language.
Ensure that your behavioural observations are brought forward as perspectives and not facts. Use tentative language such as “it looks to me” or “it appears to me.”
- Be mindful of your tone and body language.
Ensure that you maintain a calm and positive tone throughout the interaction and that you are aware of the signals that your body language may send. For instance, do not roll your eyes, point fingers, or cross your arms; instead, try to make some eye contact and remain calm.
Assertive communication involves being able to clearly describe your concerns, the impact of the situation and your needs and wants.
- Describe your concerns.
Be clear about your specific concerns regarding the situation. This prevents the other person from “reading between the lines” or guessing.
“I am concerned about not being included in the team discussions as it puts me at a disadvantage when performing my duties.”
- Express the impact of the situation.
It is important to also share your emotional response and the impact for you using non-blaming communication.
“I feel frustrated when I don’t receive the information on time as I depend on that information to get my work done on time.”
- Identify your needs and wants.
Share with the other person what it is you need and want in the working relationship. Being specific regarding your own needs and wants is essential in order to explore options for resoling the conflict.
Need – I need to receive the information on time.
Want – I want to have a good working relationship with you